Perfectionism isn’t often viewed as a negative thing. After all, what’s so bad about wanting to do your best? But, that’s the problem. Perfectionism isn’t just a desire to do your best. It’s a desire to, quite literally, be perfect.
Obviously, that’s an unrealistic expectation for yourself and for anyone else. While the goal of perfection can serve as a motivational tool, it can also take a toll on your quality of life. It can change the way you see yourself and make things less enjoyable to experience.
Perfectionism can also have a negative impact on your relationships. When you have unrealistic expectations for yourself and others, you’re never going to be satisfied. When you’re in a relationship with someone, that can get frustrating and exhausting for both people involved.
Let’s take a closer look at the impact of perfectionism on relationships, and what you can do to make a change.
Overly Critical
People with perfectionism are often extremely self-critical. When you demand perfection from yourself and realize there’s no way to actually achieve it, you might be quick to give in to negative self-talk.
So, it only makes sense that those thoughts and words would carry over into relationships. As a perfectionist, you might be overly critical of your partner. Deep down, you know your expectations aren’t realistic. But, that doesn’t stop you from not wanting to accept anything less in your relationship. It’s a losing battle for your partner and will constantly leave you feeling disappointed.
Obviously, no one wants to be criticized all of the time. So, when you continuously point out your partner’s flaws or what they’re doing wrong, it can lead to conflict and tension in your relationship.
The Need to Perform Perfectly
Perfectionists tend to think that they should only be rewarded when they do something perfectly. Some even go so far as to think they’re unworthy of love and care unless they’re perfect.
In a relationship, that can create huge communication problems. No one is perfect, and if you’re living under the idea that you have to “perform” to be worthy of love, you’re always going to struggle with fear and self-doubt. You might be hesitant to share your true emotional experiences with your partner. You might also bury your frustrations and hurts because you’re scared about bringing them up.
Emotions demand to be felt. If you’re harboring them inside because you feel like you don’t deserve to express them, it’s going to wreak havoc on your mental health. It can also create problems with intimacy and vulnerability in your relationship.
A Resentful Partner
No matter how much your partner loves you, there’s only so much perfectionism a person can take. It’s not uncommon for partners of perfectionists to feel controlled and even resentful. They might want to be with you and make things work, but they can’t live in such a stifling environment forever.
When your partner knows they’ll never live up to your expectations, it can become exhausting very quickly. They might start to wonder about the point of even trying in the relationship, knowing they’re always setting themselves up for failure.
What Can You Do?
Perfectionism is something that can be overcome. Start by talking to your partner about it. Share your feelings and allow them to share their own. If you’ve been dealing with perfectionism for years, take small steps to break the cycle. Write down your goals, celebrate your success, and start to look at mistakes or “failures” as opportunities to learn.
Most importantly, let your partner be there for you. Let them into your world, so they can better understand how you think.
If you’re struggling with perfectionism and it’s impacting your relationship or quality of life, don’t hesitate to reach out to learn more about couples therapy. Together, we can get to the root of your perfectionism, and work on actionable ways to overcome it.