Erin Evans, M.Ed., LPCA, NCC
In recent years, I have become an enthusiastic advocate for self-care. Not only does my choice in profession encourage this stance, but my own history with over-committing and perfectionism has also led me to experience firsthand what happens when we fail to care for ourselves. In working my way back from burnout (and then through a mental health counseling master’s program), I stumbled through some of the same misconceptions and myths about self-care that may others do. Here is what I have learned along the way.
WHAT SELF-CARE IS NOT
Self-Care is Not Selfish
Many people fall victim to the myth that self-care is selfish. Admittedly, it is a very powerful myth that multiple cultural messages have internally and externally reinforced for ages. For some, this myth stops them from engaging in self-care altogether. For others, even if they summon enough strength and courage to defy the cultural pressures, practicing self-care may still trigger negative self-judgments and guilt or discouraging reactions from others.
However, evidence shows that self-care is essential. Chronic stress literally destroys our brains and bodies. Our passion, creativity, attention to detail, critical thinking, productivity, and empathy whither when we experience burnout. We do not pay the price alone either. Our loved ones, jobs, communities, and society feel the impact as well.
With all that in mind as well as an understanding that busting myths sometimes takes a bit of bluntness, I could argue that it is selfish not to practice self-care.* When you don’t take care of yourself, those you care about get a less-than-the-best version of you, and the quality declines the longer you neglect yourself. Additionally, when you stretch yourself too thin trying to be everything to everyone, some commitments inevitably get rushed efforts or fall through the cracks. What’s more, expectations for something in return and/or resentment often build towards the ones for whom you sacrifice yourself. Considering all that, one might wonder… is this really about being selfless and doing what is best for others from a place of love, or could it be a guise for meeting your own needs—to feel needed or useful or appreciated, to look like a good parent or worker, to avoid the discomfort of confrontation, et cetera—whatever the cost to you or anyone else?
Self-Care is Not Only Self-Soothing
Self-soothing occurs when you engage in an activity that brings about pleasant feelings. Massages, hot baths, enjoyable drinks or food, good company, movie nights, singing in the car, yoga, dancing, creative expression… these kinds of activities fall under self-soothing. They may briefly reduce the pressure of your stress and/or offer a sense of pleasure in the moment. These are important parts of self-care, but self-care does not stop there. Self-care also includes activities that prevent stress and illness in the first place.
WHAT SELF-CARE IS
Self-Care Can Be Challenging
As you may expect, activities that prevent stress and illness are not always easy or enjoyable. For example, I dislike going to the dentist because even routine appointments involve both physical pain and emotional anxiety. Nevertheless, if I were to let myself off the hook and skip the routine appointments, I could set myself up for bigger issues down the road that would likely involve greater pain and anxiety.
Self-care sometimes requires leaning into our immediate discomfort to prevent or remove stressors. It may include going to difficult healthcare appointments, practicing self-discipline to reduce debt or build savings, or voicing and defending our boundaries. These activities may come with a degree of stress initially, but they ultimately promote more sustainable wellness.
Self-Care is Holistic
Ideally, self-care consists of a mix between self-soothing activities and activities that address the root of the issue. Some stressors will fall outside of our control to do anything about. For those, we need self-soothing techniques to help us manage the stress in order to protect our hearts, minds, and bodies. We will have some influence over other stressors, and we will need to address that head-on as a preventative measure. The trick then becomes recognizing which stressors are which and selecting the appropriate self-care technique.
Furthermore, self-care needs to target multiple aspects of wellness. The Wellness Wheel depicts one framework for understanding wellness and developing a holistic self-care plan. Different people will find certain categories more important than others, and people will have unique needs within the categories. If you’re looking to strengthen your self-care, I would encourage thinking through your current practices and needs along these dimensions as well as evaluating whether your current practices appropriately relieve stress vs. resolve stressors.
If you would like additional individual support in evaluating and enhancing your self-care, you can schedule an appointment with us at 270-943-7818 or via email [email protected]. You can also learn more about our services by clicking here: https://www.amandapatrickmft.com/services
*I acknowledge that self-care is a nuanced topic, and I do not believe that it is always selfish not to practice it. In addition to the points above, I’ve learned that self-care is both a right and a privilege. Everyone needs it and has a right to it, but various statuses (economic means, gender, sexual orientation, racial identity, regional factors, religious group practices, health conditions, relationship safety, family dynamics, et cetera) make it easier or more difficult to pursue some aspects of self-care.