Erin Evans, M.Ed., LPCA, NCC

Many of get into conflicts with our loved ones that devolve into harsh tones and hurtful words. It’s easy to do when we have high frustration levels and low patience stores, especially if we feel justified in our anger or believe that the person will forgive us. It feels good too—to let go of the control we fight so hard to maintain in the rest of our lives and blow off some of that pent-up steam. However, fights like that damage people and relationships over time. To paraphrase Andy Fruzetti in his book “The High Conflict Couple,” fighting to the death in a relationship means fighting to the death of the relationship.

Assuming you love the person enough to not want to hurt them or destroy your connection, what would it take to stop yourself from slipping into a destructive style? What might motivate you to fight differently? What skills do you need to develop or life changes do you need to make so that you don’t lash out?

Here’s the catch though, your answers to these questions can’t rely on someone else’s behaviors (“if they would just load the dishwasher right…”) or another external factor (“if work weren’t so stressful…”). Although conflict patterns naturally involve 2+ people, you can only control your choices. Having success at this requires taking responsibility for your own actions and committing to change.

I can’t claim to be perfect by any means, but I have identified the following 2 questions and 2 reminders that help keep me on track in my relationships and sometimes appear in my work with couples.

QUESTIONS

 “Even though they love me enough to forgive me, do I want them to have to?” 

We typically love people for a reason. Maybe we admire them and enjoy their company. Maybe they have helped us in hard times. Maybe they appreciate us for our strengths and value us despite our flaws. Whatever the specific combination of factors, they tend to offer something special that we don’t get from the rest of the world. Perhaps these precious people will love us through our worst, but they also most deserve our best… or at least our respect and a decent effort.

“Is my communication style helping me achieve my goals here, or is it backfiring?

Take a step above the specific words in a conflict and evaluate the pattern. Identify what your goal was, the style you chose, how the other person typically responds to that style, and whether your style met your goal. For example, when some people want to convey the importance of a point or their building frustration, they will raise their voice, sharpen their tone, and choose harsher words. Rather than leaning in to listen more closely, the other person will often respond by withdrawing or engaging in defensiveness/counterattacks which leads to the original person feeling more unheard and frustrated (the opposite of the goal). Other people may want to avoid escalating the fight or hurting their partner, so they will hold back completely in conflicts. Commonly, the other person will respond to this by intensifying their pushing and/or walk away with increasing levels of frustration, hurt, loneliness, or even numbness which corrode the relationship over time (again, the opposite of the goal).

REMINDERS

“Talk to them like they are someone you love and are someone who loves you.”

When we get flooded during disagreements, we get locked out of the logical/caring parts of our brain and kicked into flight/fight mode. In our minds in those moment, we no longer see the person before us as a loved one. Instead, we see them as a threat or adversary; they are someone we have to run away from, compete against, hurt, or intimidate in order to protect ourselves. This perspective drives destructive communication styles. Self-regulation skills coupled with the reminder that they ARE someone we love can help keep us on track during an argument.

“Ask for what you want or need.”

Our loved ones generally want to help keep us happy, but they are not mind readers. Additionally, verbal attacks make it hard for them to hear us and do little to fix the issue. Instead, you can objectively describe what happened to orient them to the concern then make a request for what you want or need from them.  This will likely take a bit of reflection and vulnerability, as well as some repetition initially, but it can keep conflict solution-oriented rather than blame-oriented.

If you and your partner are struggling with conflict and would like support breaking out of destructive patterns, we would be happy to help! You can schedule an appointment with us at 270-943-7818 or via email [email protected]. You can also learn more about our services by clicking here: https://www.amandapatrickmft.com/services