Erin Evans, M.Ed., LPCA, NCC
In her work, Brene Brown has asserted that you cannot selectively numb your feelings. If you numb the unpleasant ones, you also lose the enjoyable ones. This doesn’t bode well considering many of us hold beliefs that unpleasant emotions don’t matter, pose a threat, and/or indicate a defect in us; all of which encourage ignoring, dismissing, and fighting them.
Ideally, we want a balance where all emotions have a place in our lives but do not run that life. You may think of them like visitors. Some are easier to sit and spend time with than others. A few make a bit of a mess. Occasionally someone stays longer than you’d prefer or doesn’t stop by as often as you’d like. However, they all bring information and suggestions for you. When they feel like they have achieved their purpose for visiting, they tend to move along until they have a reason to come back. In their wake, you still have a right to fact-check their messages and accept or reject their ideas before continuing on with your life. How do we get back to this kind of relationship if our feelings currently seem like strangers? The R.A.I.N. technique can help.
First, RECOGNIZE who stands at your door. Flip your porch light on to get more details if you need to and try to determine their name. Use clues like bodily sensations, postures, recent events, and thought patterns. Think about when or where you might have encountered the feeling before. If you find yourself struggling to specifically identify them, consider looking up the emotion wheel.
Second, ACCEPT their presence. Regardless of whether you feel happy, indifferent, nervous, or displeased to see them, you know they have a reason for showing up. Besides, they will likely just keep coming back with a more demanding attitude if you ignore them. Might as well welcome them in now.
Next, INVESTIGATE the purpose of their visit. Sometimes they will share this readily and clearly, and other times you will have to lean in close and prompt them along with questions. Where has it come from? What is its purpose? What does it want or need? I find that anger’s message is that I need to protect something, anxiety says slow down and be careful, sadness conveys that something mattered a lot, guilt indicates I did something against my values, et cetera. If you tune in, what do your emotions have to share with you?
Finally, NURTURE them and yourself. Once you understand the emotion’s message, you can get to helping it relax or move along. You may practice some self-soothing techniques and/or take direct action to address the situation that led to the emotion’s appearance. Again, they are just visitors carrying a message; you get to decide how you respond to the information they share.
If you would like additional support in exploring and coping with difficult emotions, you can schedule appointment with us at 270-943-7818 or via email [email protected]. You can also learn more about our services by clicking here: https://www.amandapatrickmft.com/services