With greater awareness of how context influences us, and increased intentionality in recognizing our true messages, our attention turns to listening well. Like the others, this skill often requires a shift in mentality. As Stephen Covey described, “most people do not listen with the intent to understand. Most people listen with the intent to reply.” And so often, our replies (even the well-meaning ones attempting to convey understanding and support) focus on ourselves—our experiences, needs, wants, opinions, problems, solutions, etc. In aiming to improve our listening, we are invited to try out alternatives to both the tendency to listen to reply and the tendency to overly reference ourselves. Instead of falling into these habits, we adjust our goals to 1) ensuring that we fully + accurately heard what the other wanted to convey, and 2) keeping the focus primarily on them through that process.
This is a more active process that some may realize since good listening goes beyond simply hearing. It includes elements like:
- Minimal encouragers—small indicators that we are engaged such as good eye contact, nodding, uh-huhs, hmms.
- Open-ended questions grounded in curiosity—questions that encourage elaboration rather than a yes-or-no response; typically start with “what” or “how”.
- Directions/request to continue—statements that express interest to know more; may sound like “can you give me some examples” or “I’d love to hear more about that.”
- Paraphrasing—promptly repeating back a up to a few of a person’s statements in your own words to check that you understood them correctly.
- Summarizing—recapping the main points after a lengthier message to verify you recognized the important parts of the message and how they all fit together.
- Validation—expressing recognition, understanding, and acceptance of the other person’s thought process and emotions.
It can also include limiting judgment or intense reactions to what someone says as well as resisting impulses to interrupt. Listening in such a manner can feel unnatural or uncomfortable at first, but it does get easier with time and the rewards can become apparent relatively quickly. Listening intently and without judgment is among the greatest gifts you can offer another person. Not only does good listening reduce miscommunications to reduce unnecessary damage to relationships, but it also strengthens the sense of care, connection, and support between people. For support improving your listening skills, feel free to make an appointment with us at [email protected] or by contacting us via phone at (270) 943-7818. You can also learn more about the topics we support by visiting https://www.amandapatrickmft.com/ and clicking on the “Services” tab at the top.